Narad Muni
17th February 2006, 07:34 PM
Field reporter Spencer Flemington of The Times recently caught up with the Big Man Upstairs to see if He could answer some of Man's oldest questions.
SF: First of all I'd like to thank You for letting me conduct this interview. I know You're a busy guy.
God: Oh, it's really no trouble. Thanks for having Me!
SF: Actually, I should be thanking You for having me, if you know what I mean!
[Hearty laughter]
SF: Because You created everyone.
God: Yeah. I got it.
SF: Right. So let's talk about the Earth.
God: Sure.
SF: What inspired You to create it?
God: Well, the biggest influence on My work creating the Earth probably came from Michelangelo. [Laughs] I'm joking, of course. The Earth came first.
SF: Right.
God: The Earth was actually kind of an accident, to be honest. Well, I intended to create it, of course, but not for the reasons you might expect. It was a bit of an experiment.
SF: An experiment?
God: Well, you've heard the old atheist argument "Can God create a rock that He cannot lift?" right?
SF: Of course.
God: Well, being God, I obviously thought of that one long before atheists even existed. And I have to tell you, it disturbed Me. Deeply. So much that I was too afraid to try; I was afraid of what I might find out. So I just sort of sat around puzzling over it for a few trillion years, until I finally worked up the guts to try.
SF: And could You create a rock so big that You couldn't lift it?
God: Surprisingly, yes, I could. I ended up creating a rock so evolutioning big that I couldn't lift it. I mean, I could get it to budge, of course.
SF: Of course.
God: It's not like I'm some geek sitting around in My underwear playing video games in My mom's basement. I lift occasionally. But I just couldn't get the damn thing to move more than a few inches! I even got My buddy Zeus over to help Me out, and he couldn't do it either.
SF: So what'd You do?
God: Well, for a while I just left it there. Collecting dust. This giant rock. After some time it was getting to be a bit of an eyesore, you know? So I thought, 'I better do something with this thing'. I put some plants on it.
SF: Plants?
God: Right. It was kind of turning into a decoration piece. It really helped, too. It looked much better with plants.
SF: Then what did You do?
God: Well, while all of this was going on, I still felt kind of bad about not being able to lift it. I'm God, for Christ's sake! Omnipotent! I should be able to lift anything I want to lift. So Zeus was like, "You know what always lifts my spirits?" "What?" I asked. And he says, "You should create some people to worship you." I was like, "Holy evolution!", you know? What a mind bomb. People worshipping Me!
SF: I think I see where this is going.
God: Yeah. So I created some people and put them on this giant rock. It was only supposed to be a few, right? But the damn things just multiplied like rabbits, and before I knew it they were all over the place. So then I thought, 'Hey, I'll create some animals to keep them company'. Who doesn't like pets? I've got cats and unicorns and stuff at My house. So anyway, after a while these people started asking questions like "Where did we come from?" and all that. I didn't know what to tell them, so I just had Zeus and some of his friends take over for a while. They had some good times, but after a while they got sick of each other and let Me have a go at it again. Inter-god conflicts erupting between them and whatnot. Apollo and Hermes still won't talk to each other. Something about cattle.
SF: That's terrible.
God: Yeah, they'll get over it. So anyway, I got control over the Earth again. That's what I'd started calling it. "The Earth". I didn't actually come up with that, though. I think one of the people I created did, and it stuck. Up until that point I'd just been calling it the "oops rock". Or sometimes, if I was in a real sour mood, the "Giant Boulder of Shame" would do. I like Earth better.
SF: Yes. Me too.
God: Anyway, that's basically how the planet came about. Sort of a giant divine experiment gone wrong and then gone serendipitously right.
SF: That's a great story. So what ever happened to Zeus and all of those other gods, anyway?
God: Oh, we're all still in touch, of course. It turns out they had so much fun with Earth that they decided to create their own giant rocks. I think there are about eight or so others in this particular solar system. But that's what they've been up to.
SF: Interesting. It seems like the general consensus down on Earth is that they're just mythical. How do they feel about that?
God: Oh, you know. Zeus took it pretty hard at first. But they don't mind so much anymore. Me, personally, I kind of like it. More worshipping for Me, you know what I mean? [Laughs] No, but seriously. That's just what happens when you leave a planet after ruling over it for so many years. There are certain ramifermicatations from doing something like that. Ramiferm. Ram. How do you say that?
SF: Ramifications.
God: Right, right. Ramifications. You know, I was kind of bitter for a while when they were ruling over Earth anyway. I was letting them run things as a favor. I'm a nice guy. But it turned out to be like when you get a new Christmas present and your best friend wants to unwrap it for you, you know? That's not cool. And I started noticing other things, like how come the other gods have names and I'm just generic "God"?
SF: I've wondered about that.
God: It's like the Moon, you know? There's Mimas, Titan, Dione, Europa, Callisto, and then there's Moon. Who got shortchanged there? The evolutioning Moon. That's who. Same with the Sun.
SF: Yeah.
God: But I got over that. I've had thousands of years to get over it. In that time, though, I did some pretty wild things that I'm not particularly proud of. The Flood, for one. I was just really evolutioning pissed that day. But you know, everyone has their good days and bad days. Just My luck that that's when everyone decided to start writing things down.
SF: Right. Well, I think that's about all the time we have for now. Thanks again for letting us do this interview!
God: Oh, no problem. I'll see you again in a few weeks.
SF: What?
God: Nothing.
SF: First of all I'd like to thank You for letting me conduct this interview. I know You're a busy guy.
God: Oh, it's really no trouble. Thanks for having Me!
SF: Actually, I should be thanking You for having me, if you know what I mean!
[Hearty laughter]
SF: Because You created everyone.
God: Yeah. I got it.
SF: Right. So let's talk about the Earth.
God: Sure.
SF: What inspired You to create it?
God: Well, the biggest influence on My work creating the Earth probably came from Michelangelo. [Laughs] I'm joking, of course. The Earth came first.
SF: Right.
God: The Earth was actually kind of an accident, to be honest. Well, I intended to create it, of course, but not for the reasons you might expect. It was a bit of an experiment.
SF: An experiment?
God: Well, you've heard the old atheist argument "Can God create a rock that He cannot lift?" right?
SF: Of course.
God: Well, being God, I obviously thought of that one long before atheists even existed. And I have to tell you, it disturbed Me. Deeply. So much that I was too afraid to try; I was afraid of what I might find out. So I just sort of sat around puzzling over it for a few trillion years, until I finally worked up the guts to try.
SF: And could You create a rock so big that You couldn't lift it?
God: Surprisingly, yes, I could. I ended up creating a rock so evolutioning big that I couldn't lift it. I mean, I could get it to budge, of course.
SF: Of course.
God: It's not like I'm some geek sitting around in My underwear playing video games in My mom's basement. I lift occasionally. But I just couldn't get the damn thing to move more than a few inches! I even got My buddy Zeus over to help Me out, and he couldn't do it either.
SF: So what'd You do?
God: Well, for a while I just left it there. Collecting dust. This giant rock. After some time it was getting to be a bit of an eyesore, you know? So I thought, 'I better do something with this thing'. I put some plants on it.
SF: Plants?
God: Right. It was kind of turning into a decoration piece. It really helped, too. It looked much better with plants.
SF: Then what did You do?
God: Well, while all of this was going on, I still felt kind of bad about not being able to lift it. I'm God, for Christ's sake! Omnipotent! I should be able to lift anything I want to lift. So Zeus was like, "You know what always lifts my spirits?" "What?" I asked. And he says, "You should create some people to worship you." I was like, "Holy evolution!", you know? What a mind bomb. People worshipping Me!
SF: I think I see where this is going.
God: Yeah. So I created some people and put them on this giant rock. It was only supposed to be a few, right? But the damn things just multiplied like rabbits, and before I knew it they were all over the place. So then I thought, 'Hey, I'll create some animals to keep them company'. Who doesn't like pets? I've got cats and unicorns and stuff at My house. So anyway, after a while these people started asking questions like "Where did we come from?" and all that. I didn't know what to tell them, so I just had Zeus and some of his friends take over for a while. They had some good times, but after a while they got sick of each other and let Me have a go at it again. Inter-god conflicts erupting between them and whatnot. Apollo and Hermes still won't talk to each other. Something about cattle.
SF: That's terrible.
God: Yeah, they'll get over it. So anyway, I got control over the Earth again. That's what I'd started calling it. "The Earth". I didn't actually come up with that, though. I think one of the people I created did, and it stuck. Up until that point I'd just been calling it the "oops rock". Or sometimes, if I was in a real sour mood, the "Giant Boulder of Shame" would do. I like Earth better.
SF: Yes. Me too.
God: Anyway, that's basically how the planet came about. Sort of a giant divine experiment gone wrong and then gone serendipitously right.
SF: That's a great story. So what ever happened to Zeus and all of those other gods, anyway?
God: Oh, we're all still in touch, of course. It turns out they had so much fun with Earth that they decided to create their own giant rocks. I think there are about eight or so others in this particular solar system. But that's what they've been up to.
SF: Interesting. It seems like the general consensus down on Earth is that they're just mythical. How do they feel about that?
God: Oh, you know. Zeus took it pretty hard at first. But they don't mind so much anymore. Me, personally, I kind of like it. More worshipping for Me, you know what I mean? [Laughs] No, but seriously. That's just what happens when you leave a planet after ruling over it for so many years. There are certain ramifermicatations from doing something like that. Ramiferm. Ram. How do you say that?
SF: Ramifications.
God: Right, right. Ramifications. You know, I was kind of bitter for a while when they were ruling over Earth anyway. I was letting them run things as a favor. I'm a nice guy. But it turned out to be like when you get a new Christmas present and your best friend wants to unwrap it for you, you know? That's not cool. And I started noticing other things, like how come the other gods have names and I'm just generic "God"?
SF: I've wondered about that.
God: It's like the Moon, you know? There's Mimas, Titan, Dione, Europa, Callisto, and then there's Moon. Who got shortchanged there? The evolutioning Moon. That's who. Same with the Sun.
SF: Yeah.
God: But I got over that. I've had thousands of years to get over it. In that time, though, I did some pretty wild things that I'm not particularly proud of. The Flood, for one. I was just really evolutioning pissed that day. But you know, everyone has their good days and bad days. Just My luck that that's when everyone decided to start writing things down.
SF: Right. Well, I think that's about all the time we have for now. Thanks again for letting us do this interview!
God: Oh, no problem. I'll see you again in a few weeks.
SF: What?
God: Nothing.